I write

I write to write

Of those scenes

That beg to be told

I write to write

To emote

Feel and echo; 

To pinch, perceive and believe

That happy smile;

Ages ago

To remember

Those days; not sunny though

But warmth left

Much like coal of a fire dying

I write

To remind

That reflection there

On the glassy wall

That its time to go

To realise what has been left

By the inferno

I write; perhaps just to write.

Kolaveri di?

No, not the song, something else. Its been a long time...six months since my last post on this blog. To be truthful, the last year was not a good one in terms of writing; both on the blog and off it. It was sheer laziness that was responsible for the rather long hiatus, and on the other spectrum, pure rage that has pushed me to write a new post.

Forget how the year went by or what the new year resolutions were. Currently, I am in the midst of a murderous rage, despite the soulful Piya Basanti Re..blasting away on my computer. No, it is not the antagonist that has put my mind to prose, but rather than the presence of complete calm and absolute focus in the midst of the rage. To be frank, I was surprised at the peace I felt just immediately after a vitriolic outburst, akin almost to the euphoria of winning a football match. In fact, it has been a long time, too long, since I remember such complete focus and utter concentration and such rage!

Maybe, its good to have a little bit of Kolaveri, every now and then and perhaps 2012 is going to be a raging year after all!

There is an urgent need for some creative outflow. Don't know how exactly but something needs to happen. Soon!

Thought Reader

What if someone else could read you, your thoughts and sum you up in simple words of critique and admiration. Perhaps better than what you yourself would admit. List out your faults, most of which were known to you anyways, but also point out qualities that you never knew existed.

Would you be afraid of such a person?

Touchwood

2011 ha been all of 3 days, and what 3 days it has been!

From a bit of unsteadiness to the wind in my face, delightful conversations, awesome food and my first game of squash, everything has been good!

Its a touchwood feeling!

New Name?

I remember searching for a name for my blog. I believe it started out with 'lost in translation' which was discarded even before being used. The blog started out with something similar; in the form of "Lost in transition". To be frank, both the titles were pretty cliche, but the title did seem to have an element of truth in it.

I don't know when exactly but the name then changed to "Confused Carkey". It sounded different, at least at that point of time. And also like an upgrade; you know from being lost to finally confused. Lasted quite a while, but now it seems time for another change. Confusion does not exactly sound like me anymore. Time for another upgrade :).
When? As soon as I think of a new name!

Bambooed! As of now :)

Dire straits

Amid drops of dew

Early mornings

Staring back at you

Moorish eyes

And hawkish views

Loss of ideas

Quite a few...quite a few!

Twittery blogging

Recently,my blogging has become short, almost twittery. As usual things are plenty to write about, but procrastination has caused me to be swamped by a lot of last minute stuff, Hopefully, this too shall pass and normal services on the blog will resume.
Hanging on, just about!

Pretense

Rekindled
Stoked perhaps
But nothing
No result
Only
Pretense?
And a wounded pride
Cruising along
Letting it be
Letting it go
Nothing to show

Wish

A lot of wrists and a lot of threads.We do not have Rakhi at home, not so popular anyway but the number of empty wrists are few today. Makes me wish I had one too!

Shuffle Through

"Many rivers to cross
But I can't seem to find my way over
Wandering I am lost"

Its surprising how sometimes the shuffle function plays songs that relate so sweetly to your thoughts.

Randomness of Life!

Nothing left to talk

How things change and people move away, and how relationships change from being able to say the most random things and useless gyan for hours to formal hi(s) and whats up in life things. The normal nature of life, yes; but sometimes hits you just that little bit harder.

Randomly Random...if any such thing exists

The title says it all
Its that time of the year where no matter what thoughts seem to be positive and resolutions remembered, akin to a honeymoon period.
New Year was ushered in a random nowhere perhaps in keeping with law school tradition.
And in keeping with traditions of people all around, I ventured into some of my own. No the post is not about my 'wonderful' resolutions or the strain already being felt by such resolutions.
I got a lift on an auto to class today. After never getting one from countless bikers outside Gate 3, a lift on an auto felt awesome. Followed by 4 hours of sleepy lectures. Lunch and 3 hours of sleep as a crumpled heap on the carpet in my room ( where I was supposed to have a power nap of 20 mins), the day is strange. But keeping it in the New year mood, it is still different not depressing.
And there is the music too, always something to lift my mood;something randomly playing in my library and if nothing else there is always Dylan.
Ah but all thoughts and no action made Tom a dull boy, so cannot caontinue longer on my procrastination. Have a team member arrivng from the WUDC at Turkey tomorrow and I am yet to show something substantial on my work.
But as they say, Raat Baaki Baat Baaki.
Off to work!!!

A New Year

This has been a long time coming and hopefully the plan was to usher in 2010 after this post but then it is going to be the first post of 2010..Not bad.

The month gone by seems like a blur as do most things in law school. To quote Sartaj's words, "This too shall pass has lost its meaning in law school." In fact, it has; things come, go and somehow we survive and sometimes drown.

Last month, I was surprised at the amount of interest I had in things political, high even by my own standards of interst in politics and constitution writing back home. Spending an insane amount of time on the internet made me realise the extent of polarisation faced by Nepali society. It is almost like a clear case of black and white without any shades of grey in terms of people's liking and backing for political parties. Issues like providing justice for victims of the Maoist insurgency and the State response are extremely divisive and people have differing logics based on different planes of reasonings, theories and plain emotions of support and hate.

All of this should not have come as a surprise to me, but strangely it did. Contrary to my expectations, these are people who are well read, have an idea of issues both local and international, care for the country and its future and yet have exactly differing opinions on the same issues. Perhaps, it comes down to an issue of social identity and the interests of class or perhaps it is just looking out for a better deal for oneself.

Still, between all of this we have a country which is seeing a rapid exodus of the youth both as students and workers to various countries around the world, a lack of opportunities in the country and a very murky socio-political environment. And then, the task of writing a proper constitution in which people can have belief. Althought he idea is to remain optimistic, Nepal at present seems divided and the division is not only ideological, it is multi layered and crosses over with different fault lines. Ethnicity is an issue and so is gender and language. Caste affiliations are suddenly important. It almost seems as if time is moving backwards, with solidarity being based on terms like ethnicity, caste, language. The fear of national disintegration seems almost true to laugh it off now.

On the positives, we apparently have a lot of political consciousness and an idea of the issue at stake to let peace fail. We know the world has its eyes on us, even the beleaguered UN wants us to succeed so as to show some success or reason for its existence. And big brother India would not want another super troubled neighbour on its borders.

Is there a solution to all of this? Or should there ever be a solution? Because, no matter what we do, society is bound to have issues of some sort or the other at all times. Subjects may change and the substance may differ but there will always be problems for the society to deal with. At present though, the best would be to make efforts to have a vigorous dialogue and involve the citizens much more. At present, everything appears to be stage managed with some top honchos reaching a last minute conclusion. Even the constitution seems to be heading that way; a hastily written last minute compromise.

In a polarised society like Nepal, is compromise then the best way? Where at best, parties will be partly happy and wishing for more and at worst the different actors will feel cheated. I dont know and it seems only time will tell.

Wishing a good year and wonderful days ahead to everyone and especially to my fellow countrymen/women from Nepal.

N..for Nostalgia?

I was just going through google searching for some Nepali groups in bangalore, associations of some sorts. Although, i managed to find some groups, I found something more; blogs by nepali youths; people who have stayed back in Nepal, who study there and who blog about it.
Nostalgia for Nepal Yatayat( something like the DTC or BMTC in India) and the roads of Kathmandu filled me up and yet It seems so fake at times, this long distance nationalism where people are prepared to rave and rant at everything/everybody that is bad for Nepal and yet Nepal struggles to find a place in their future plans. It seems strange that I am starting to figure in that group.
Still, there is always this longing to go back, and the feeling that it is the place where one can seek refuge, where one can be free. I dont know, it might be possible outsides too. Looking at the growing size and diversity of Nepali immigrant communities, it seems quite possible. I don't know, but India does not feel home enough right now.
Besides the nagging issues that we Nepalis have with regards to identity and the conscious efforts we make at a positive portryal, besides the anti- India ranting that we seem to enjoy so much, besides the so-called nationalism of ours..besides all of this there is always a simple fact.
Its home we miss...at least that is what I miss, where despite its crammed roads and the traffic jams, kathmandu will always be our city and the heart will leap with joy at the feel of the wind and the sight of the hills.
Looking forward to going back soon..

Chaotic

I wish I had a gun
I wish i had a gun
That is what I hear in my room all day long; my enthusiastic roommates singing along with Rahul. Awesome song, but thats beside the point.

Every day seems to be passing by, with the same if slightly different events. Just adding up is the all too familiar anxiety; of the impending projects. Wrapped in all of this is the easy way with which things pass by; not pausing for a while.

Right now, its 1 in the morning. Well sleep does not come till 4 and stays through the classes. So I guess I have time and there are people in the room, making jokes all the time. Some guitar enthusiasts and my occasional 'original joke'.

I guess, its the best time of the 'day'. The time when I feel fresh enough to run a mile and yet end up just rambling around. The time when plans for the next day planned and resolutions made only for the next day with the same old story.

But then, there are friends all around, I guess some of them doing the same; Comrade in Arms to a sleepy and lazy tomorrow.

My pain..my delight

To every man, his own demons
Fury and fire raining down
The entire world scheming
To take away that uneasy crown
A look hither, at mortals lesser
Problems and pain abound
But no concern budges thy heart
As the dip in thee's delight

Night

The night is long past..and I should be sleeping or perhaps working up on the moot problem. Perhaps music would have been a better alternative.Instead I am lying in my bed, looking through the window and trying to feel the cold of the wind while clutching harder at my blanket at the same time.
It seems just the night, when my mind feels free enough to wander, look at the dark clouds, thoughts fleeting in all different directions..no leash, no control and no theme...
What is so special then, about this night? Maybe the chill or just the sound of the splatter of rain or the idea that I lie safe here while everything is too cold and wet outside.
Safe from the weather and from my probing mind, which for once is off across the world..
Its a special night.

Joy..

Its nice to be wet..just a bit..in the drizzle, especially when its your last walk of the day and you feel tired. Nothing beats the wind on the face, the slight chill and the few drops on your face.
Pure joy!!!

Moving on..

Life, through its incidents is seemingly becoming a flashback. Every single incident that has caused me to think and question my ideas and beliefs has inevitably been followed by a sense of anguish and hopelessness coupled with despair. Is it a pattern? Its almost as if everything has been planned; the stage has been set, the props have been put up and all I have to do is present my act; and that’s it.
I ask myself. Is it out of my own volition? Or is there a sense of resigned acceptance borne out of a fear; fear of going astray if I may attempt anything on my own? Or is the acceptance of this abyss in dread of avoiding an even darker, deeper one? I do not know.
It’s almost as if I am not attempting a monologue but am talking to someone I do not know but bears a resemblance to the one I knew, a striking one at that. And the attempts to understand this new entity seem to be entirely futile.
It is strange that self pity feels so good at times but even that is offset when after living off its useful life, the same self pity weighs on you. All the whining and crying suddenly just disappear and you understand that you are not the saddest person on the planet and you have more than enough to thank your lucky stars for. That is when self pity truly becomes pathetic.
I guess, in the end it all comes down to a logical conclusion; no matter what whether it makes sense or not, whether you like it or not, you got to move on. There will always be newer challenges and newer projects to look forward to, newer lands to visit and newer people to laugh along. Perhaps it should be out of my own wish and desire rather than resigned acceptance. The mantra is: Just let go and move on.