Maybe

Lets say all the things we never said
To begin with
Everything
Perhaps there is hope for us yet
Or lets just stay this way
Strangers Forever
Running away
On different seats by the window
I watch the sunset
And the sunrise you see
I dont know how to tell you
Thats not the way it has to be
But its all getting there
Where I am so easy to forget
Maybe it is the way it should be
You and me
Just the things we said
And
Strangers forever

N..for Nostalgia?

I was just going through google searching for some Nepali groups in bangalore, associations of some sorts. Although, i managed to find some groups, I found something more; blogs by nepali youths; people who have stayed back in Nepal, who study there and who blog about it.
Nostalgia for Nepal Yatayat( something like the DTC or BMTC in India) and the roads of Kathmandu filled me up and yet It seems so fake at times, this long distance nationalism where people are prepared to rave and rant at everything/everybody that is bad for Nepal and yet Nepal struggles to find a place in their future plans. It seems strange that I am starting to figure in that group.
Still, there is always this longing to go back, and the feeling that it is the place where one can seek refuge, where one can be free. I dont know, it might be possible outsides too. Looking at the growing size and diversity of Nepali immigrant communities, it seems quite possible. I don't know, but India does not feel home enough right now.
Besides the nagging issues that we Nepalis have with regards to identity and the conscious efforts we make at a positive portryal, besides the anti- India ranting that we seem to enjoy so much, besides the so-called nationalism of ours..besides all of this there is always a simple fact.
Its home we miss...at least that is what I miss, where despite its crammed roads and the traffic jams, kathmandu will always be our city and the heart will leap with joy at the feel of the wind and the sight of the hills.
Looking forward to going back soon..

Chaotic

I wish I had a gun
I wish i had a gun
That is what I hear in my room all day long; my enthusiastic roommates singing along with Rahul. Awesome song, but thats beside the point.

Every day seems to be passing by, with the same if slightly different events. Just adding up is the all too familiar anxiety; of the impending projects. Wrapped in all of this is the easy way with which things pass by; not pausing for a while.

Right now, its 1 in the morning. Well sleep does not come till 4 and stays through the classes. So I guess I have time and there are people in the room, making jokes all the time. Some guitar enthusiasts and my occasional 'original joke'.

I guess, its the best time of the 'day'. The time when I feel fresh enough to run a mile and yet end up just rambling around. The time when plans for the next day planned and resolutions made only for the next day with the same old story.

But then, there are friends all around, I guess some of them doing the same; Comrade in Arms to a sleepy and lazy tomorrow.

Disconnect?

Was looking at a lovely pic of a friendship gone sour and reminiscing the good moments, wondering how things would have been. Showed it to Rahul and he had this to say, "If only, we could disconnect easily, we would have so much focus, na?"
Maybe yes, Maybe no. or just plain i do not know.
Confused as usual:)
but yeah if only disconnecting was so easy....

My pain..my delight

To every man, his own demons
Fury and fire raining down
The entire world scheming
To take away that uneasy crown
A look hither, at mortals lesser
Problems and pain abound
But no concern budges thy heart
As the dip in thee's delight

:)

Had the wind in my face and the roads all empty
to the city, corner house and back to campus in an hour
wish the traffic was always like this.
A happy feeling :)

Passing By

The trimester has started and things are moving fast with added responsibilities and added recognitions of the goal in hand. Some things remain the same and some have perhaps changed forever.
Hoping for the fresh winds of change!!

End of trimester

Another trimester done with..a lot of good and bad happenings as usual...Will write more as time permits..off to Delhi, the vacation starts!!!

A Friend

Looked at you, Cold as ever
Hopeful still, I threw a gaze
Unflinching
You just walked through
I suppressed a sigh
The path just diverged
And I could only walk on..

Meaningless lines to a meaningful friend

Got a whole lot to do

Mired in confusion..Still procrastinating and the exams very very near..Guess its time to face it and study.No other option..Like its said, "You gotta do what you gotta do."

Festival of Lights

A festival of lights,
A lot of people
A search for thee but no sight
Intense the light but yet darkness abounds
The heart is silent too
Get high, Forget her
See around, happiness surrounds
Presume thats the way it should be
Drowned in the drift, clutching
Simply follow
Numbness is but sweet and there is no dark
Just look around, can you not see the lights
Your screams do not match the crackers
So stop; dont strain
Resign and Accept
Its lights today and light shall see
Show you some other path
Go get in the spirit
Get high
For the night has just begun
And you have a lot to see

Random Musing

“Wake me up when September ends”
Looks like GreenDay wrote these lyrics for me, well not a single post since the fall of September and October is already halfway through. In my defence, I was busy, a standard term applied to life at law school. No matter what the time, you are always busy, exams, projects, vivas, one competition or the other and if nothing some happenings in the acad. And the time I was not busy, I was sleepy and bored.
Well, for once there has not been much to write about. Painful pangs, which usually make me loquacious about life, clouds, shadows, night, stars etc have mercifully been few. True, there have been so many newer happenings but none has made me neither confused enough nor clear enough to really write anything. And more importantly, there has been a replacement of the instant with the understanding that some things are perhaps better unexplained. To stop looking for answers has not been easy, but there has been a subtle prioritisation taking place, almost as if by itself.
This has given me time but unfortunately a lot of that has been spent procrastinating and some of it thankfully listening to good music. As usual the internet is to blame for the procrastination, not me:). Thankfully, this trimester is coming to a close, although now it feels almost like a semester. Studies apart, the trimester has been one to remember with vacations in between, my first dashain outside home, and doing reasonably well in other activities.
And to add that a lot of classes have provided for the sleep mode this trimester, thus allowing me to supplement the meagre sleep I get before coming to class. I do not know whether it is a good thing or not. Felt good while sleeping, though a bit guilty but as usual the coming of exams have brought a self resolution banning myself from such activities next trimester for my own good. No idea if that will be followed though...
Hopefully will post more once the exams are dealt with and peace returns. Hopefully, a short story that I have written; well almost, still struggling with the ending. Or perhaps, some strange sense of disaster will make me philosophical again:)

The clouds are heavy and the sky is dark..the signs are ominous and the hunter is gaining on his prey; silent and resigned to its fate..resigned to being hunted...

Night

The night is long past..and I should be sleeping or perhaps working up on the moot problem. Perhaps music would have been a better alternative.Instead I am lying in my bed, looking through the window and trying to feel the cold of the wind while clutching harder at my blanket at the same time.
It seems just the night, when my mind feels free enough to wander, look at the dark clouds, thoughts fleeting in all different directions..no leash, no control and no theme...
What is so special then, about this night? Maybe the chill or just the sound of the splatter of rain or the idea that I lie safe here while everything is too cold and wet outside.
Safe from the weather and from my probing mind, which for once is off across the world..
Its a special night.

Acquainted with the Night. (Robert Frost)

Wonderful lines, makes one realise solitude and loneliness and the need to share your thoughts and feelings.

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-by;
And further still at an unearthly height,
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.

Joy..

Its nice to be wet..just a bit..in the drizzle, especially when its your last walk of the day and you feel tired. Nothing beats the wind on the face, the slight chill and the few drops on your face.
Pure joy!!!

Moving on..

Life, through its incidents is seemingly becoming a flashback. Every single incident that has caused me to think and question my ideas and beliefs has inevitably been followed by a sense of anguish and hopelessness coupled with despair. Is it a pattern? Its almost as if everything has been planned; the stage has been set, the props have been put up and all I have to do is present my act; and that’s it.
I ask myself. Is it out of my own volition? Or is there a sense of resigned acceptance borne out of a fear; fear of going astray if I may attempt anything on my own? Or is the acceptance of this abyss in dread of avoiding an even darker, deeper one? I do not know.
It’s almost as if I am not attempting a monologue but am talking to someone I do not know but bears a resemblance to the one I knew, a striking one at that. And the attempts to understand this new entity seem to be entirely futile.
It is strange that self pity feels so good at times but even that is offset when after living off its useful life, the same self pity weighs on you. All the whining and crying suddenly just disappear and you understand that you are not the saddest person on the planet and you have more than enough to thank your lucky stars for. That is when self pity truly becomes pathetic.
I guess, in the end it all comes down to a logical conclusion; no matter what whether it makes sense or not, whether you like it or not, you got to move on. There will always be newer challenges and newer projects to look forward to, newer lands to visit and newer people to laugh along. Perhaps it should be out of my own wish and desire rather than resigned acceptance. The mantra is: Just let go and move on.

What would you do?

If I were to die today
Would you look at me?
And think of those times
When it was just you and me
A smile cross your heart
And let a silent tear fall

Would you grieve for me?
Through the autumn and spring
No season right without me?
Look at our faded memories
In your heart
And hold them closer?

Just bored

In the end does any of this even matter?
Perhaps it does. perhaps it does not. Its always at the end, when you get to know the answer.
Maybe it matters just so that you can complete the journey to get to those answers.
And if you are not interested in getting answers, just raising questions seems to give a sense that all of this does matter.
Why then, am I still inclined to ask,"Does it really matter?"
Too bored to contemplate...

Random wish

On the beach
Where the waves crash
I see, I wait
Is it time yet?
The waves are not fierce enough
Nor the beach cold
The wind is still calm
Not a gale thorough
I wait still
The time is yet to come
For darkness to be entrenched
And for the storm to brew
And for me to look into your eyes
And just..wish you

The Swine Flu Break

The past weeks have been nothing of a law school trimester; certainly not the forced holidays due to ‘swine flu’ creating a name for itself in areas around law school.
The holidays were good. A welcome offer from Harini led to an early morning ride to the train station with the hope of getting me a ticket to Coimbatore. The line at the ticket counter was long; long enough to warrant me to look at the clock and calculate my chances. With Harini already on the train, I was thinking that I might need to take a bus from the bus stand which was just opposite the train station. Thankfully, the train was 15 minutes later than what I had expected and the man at the counter gave me my ticket as well as the necessary directions and told me to hurry. I caught my train, short of breath but on time.
The journey was uneventful. I fell asleep but awoke every other hour to see whether it was already 1 pm. I DID NOT want to land in an alien place in Tamil Nadu and dutifully, we got off at Coimbatore.
Luckily enough Coimbatore showed me what I wanted to see; hills and that too so close by. Felt a lot like home. And that too with days filled with contemplation and sleep...loads of it and good food. It was like getting some time to be fully re-charged except that law school tends to finish off the charge rather fast:(
Coimbatore city itself was good with strangely long buses, lack of parking spaces but places for good filter coffee and authentic North Indian food. The city also had lots of old houses. I also developed a taste for banana chips and authentic Tamil rasam. The time spent in Coimbatore was memorable especially the interaction with Harini’s family.
Next stop was Chennai. After biding adieu to harini and her family for the great time, I took a night bus to Chennai, I saw my first tamil movie (thankfully it had subtitles) on the bus. Though the songs were peppy and the storyline somewhat different, the lyrics of the song seemed to make no sense in English. The entire journey was spent in silence, as my co-passenger seemed to prefer only Tamil whereas I had to admit my complete ignorance of the language despite some words that I picked up in Coimbatore.
Chennai brought to me a harsh reality that I thought I had left behind in Bangalore; bargaining with the auto-rickshaw drivers. Although Varun had quoted a price of around 150, I had to settle for 180 from a starting price of 250.The auto-rickshaw driver kept on repeating that it was morning and hence the higher price. After a half an hour journey, I arrived at Varun’s place and also had my glimpse of the sea at Eliot Beach along the way.
Even before I could greet his parents and grandma, I was greeted by his huge labrador named Tara. Thankfully she was friendly and I had to make her the exception to my fear of dogs and soon we were good enough to be friends.
After having lunch, me and Varun went to Marina beach but soon we got bored. Then we decided to go on the search for Fort St. George, which Varun said was pretty close by. Thus, the walk started. Then it stretched and finally we tired and had to call for help. And funnily we were just some 100 metres from the fort. After giving some information, we entered the fort premises which also functioned as the Secretariat. Just roaming around, we saw some old walls and gates.
As we left the premises, we were in for another shock. Where had we come out? We were at a train station and could not locate the entrance. Another call for help and finally we were able to have lunch, buy some books and head back home.
Evening brought the arrival of Prateek from Bangalore, who had his own share of arguments with the auto drivers with the reason being that it was evening this time around!!
Two more days of perfect lazing around with football on the beach and dinner at a nice restaurant with Vaun's lovely parents brought to culmination our stay at Chennai. We even managed to get wet in Chennai which changed our perception of Chennai, but only for a day because the next day was again very humid.
Finally returning back to law school, the normalcy seemed to return slowly at first and then faster and within a day or two, it felt like law school again.
Looks like the holidays after the trimester should be devoted to roaming around Karnataka.

Ramblings

He was a shy child and books were all that he loved. there were lands he knew well and people he felt close to; he could relate to them. Everything was easy, everything so clear.

He was a shy child and he had to go to school. the teachers were boring and the games meaningless. Nothing was easy, everything so blurred.

He was a child no more..yet he loved his books..he knew their customs and their stories so well...he was the narrator..he was the joy of their lives.

A child no more..he had to venture out..lost in the blanket of people..he knew not their language and their rites and joys.

He travelled far and wide...into the depths of his stories..crossed centuries...was no stranger left..who did not know his name.

He was stranded..on his own..a small dot..and no one knew his name.

Aged by now..the books were his bones...had all he wanted and knew all his lives well

Aged..nothing left of him..knew nothing of his life..and no fulfillment of demands.

That was how he lived..Content to be known..yet unknown

Time

Just too less to do anything and still a lot to waste; What an inherent dichotomy of the self...Lessons learnt but never put into place...Its only time that I can waste again...

Unfinished Revolution

Have been doing this history project on Naxalbari and the peasant revolution...so just jotted down some lines on the peasants...once left, could never come to finish it, so its an unfinished piece...who knows I might just finish it, once the darned project gets done!!

Of all the lilies in the haze
And the roses in the throes after
Of things that we held dear
And those that were strewn aside
There was a time, there was a place
you were there and so were the plains
It rained then, the drops were warm
And the path felt true

We were young..Ah we were young

Not many seasons have since passed
And you and I look no different
there is a time, there is a place
It still rains, but there is a chill
The plains once green, lay bare
Only silence rules the hills

Look what we have done
Where sweat tilled, blood has come
To undo what centuries had wrought
In space and time, we were free
Full of belief, and conviction true
The plain followed, tides arose
Of pains we never knew

We were true, but lightning struck
Our vessel shook, people ran amok
Revolutionary we all were..
Oh what revolution we brought along

Tears then, Tears now
We talked of change, change has come
The peasant knows and the peasant burns
To undo what centuries has wrought

Changing values

Funny how it does not take long for me to get settled into the old pattern, to just sit and think and brood. In a sense,to wonder and plan and fret.Harder still, when you know all the theories as to what you should do and what you should not but fail to dictate terms the way you wish.

Is life then just about fretting away your time and energy or is it better to let things run its course and you follow your hearts sentiments rather than planning for a safe course, thinking of an outcome and then working towards it?

As stated in today;s history class, the only thing permanent is change and the values of individuals change over time. If not me, then certainly the values of other people change. It is but natural, I guess to have your own interests as paramount, especially when change becomes the only thing that you can trust. I guess, it is time to look for my values and change my pattern and hope things turn out to be definitely better.

Random Thoughts..

A long time since I last wrote...

And how things have changed and how things have remained the same since then.
The holidays were much more fun this time around. Apart from my trip to Dhaka, I also got hold of a bike this time around in kathmandu. Perhaps, that was what made my holiday a bit more exciting.

Leaving aside the holiday stuff, I surely felt a sort of relief coming to law school. Sure, the relief has turned into monotony and boredom by now, but still there is a difference in this monotony. Perhaps, it is the feeling of knowing this place finally or it is an attachment that breeds with time and familiarity. I don't know, but this place no longer feels alien.

That apart, the mess is quite close by and so is the "football field". Comforts, that eluded me in the first year.Hope to make better use of both.

"Baal Ho"

No matter what happens, just be confident and go on...

Often used, somehow this does not sound convincing enough when faced with battles on four fronts with inadequate planning,unfamiliar resources and no proper command structure. True, exams once again and all four subjects akin to a battle.

Law school seems to have become the place where every trimester outdoes the one preceding it in terms of weariness and just plain apathy towards the state of things, particularly the exams. And invariably, the results have followed up with an inverse relation to the degree of apathy.Sounds scary, especially when this is just the 3rd out of 15 trimesters. Hopefully, this is a cycle of 3 trimesters and next year will again start on a good note.

In my high school, we had a word "baal" that was used discriminately in these kinds of situations.Everything was baal. A word that was applicable to all situations, it is hard to define, but roughly, it is something like a damn care attitude with an idea that life will go on, despite the current problems. More than a word, it was something that was felt and thus understood without the necessary to limit it to a narrow definition.

I guess, it was just lived.

Looks like my current exams are going the "baal"way.
As would have been said in high school, still the same, try your best and the rest is still "baal ho".

Neruda's "Your Laughter"

Such beautiful lines of Neruda's translated works, makes me wish I knew spanish so that I could understand them in their full flow and passion.

Your Laughter

Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter
for I would die.

Pablo Neruda

Outside

I looked outside,
Saw the bloom
in its finest

The leaves rose and fell
With each passing wind
I sat by counting those that left
My count being less and less

I watched the mighty tree denuded
Slowly with each falling leaf
Standing all alone, forlorn

Striking a chord within me
A mighty tree all alone despite itself

Those damned thoughts again..

Lost again, somewhere beneath all those thoughts clamouring to be heard first, leaving behind all sense of rationality. Its hard to be impulsive and equally difficult not to let in to your impulses. Its hard to notice those signs you have been dreading all along, but harder still to pretend you know nothing.

Maybe that is where lies the difference, between potential and reality. Perhaps people who make it to their aims have the belief in themselves to back their decisions, rather than agonising over their decisions.

Perhaps you make a decision and stick to it.

But then, I am fighting a losing battle with my thoughts..

Just rambling on

Funny how time flies by. One moment, you are a newbie at a place and the next,it seems like you have been there for ages. And this experience happens over and over again. Its at such moments when you reminisce that you perhaps tend to see some sort of pattern in your adaptation; whether it be things or places or people.

Then comes the realisation that things can be far more exciting, if perhaps you can find a way to tweak this pattern or even break free from it especially if things have not been going your way. And the answer is usually right there in front of you, waiting for you take it up and explore and widen those self imposed limits.

I guess, all it entails is a bit more of effort and a bit more of sincerity and clarity; whether it be studies or interests or the people that matter to you. In fact, with people you realise how much things can change when you learn to concede at times and realise that you have provided joy to those people who matter to you and correspondingly gain joy yourselves. It makes you understand the value of being there for your loved ones and the joy you feel when they are there for you too.

I guess that is what makes the world go round..

I have no idea where this article is heading to:), i guess just a ramble of my thoughts.

Rains

The rain, oft written about in different modes of lyrical eloquence or simple clarity are simply a sight to behold. And I must add myself to that list of those who enjoy it; the rain lovers.

No matter the time of the day, watching the rain through a window and feeling the cold and even chilly wind can only conjure up happy moments for me. Even better is the getting wet part, initially a bit and then after a while; abandoning all caution,I get wet.

Its even better when u feel the droplets on your face, especially the small ones. Somehow, they seem capable of a sort of primal joy that few other activities bring about. Looking forward to enjoying the season and without catching a cold, hopefully.

Just a game

Some more random lines, again written during class hours

Wheeling and dealing
Clattering on the floor
Things go wrong, And
You fall back to the ropes
Buoyed back by those cries
On your feet, And
Back to those highs

But then, its
Just a game, my friend
Just a game.

Back and forth
things they run
Some steps back, But
The game moves on
Some surge ahead
Just as the game ends
As if,
Right on cue
Leaving those down, with
Lost chances to rue

But yet again, its
Just a game, my friend
JUst a game........

Just Bored

Just not feeling like doing anything, nothing is wrong and yet the mind seems lost. Just cant seem to harness it back, not even to my writings. Finished reading a novel and dont want to start reading another, cause that will make me read till I finish and thus hamper a lot of plans.

Started a short story, but again stuck in the middle, just cant decide the sequence of events, especially the conclusion. perhaps that is what happens when you set out with a set of conslusions in mind. Now, trying to just let the writing flow, hope the end will be come correspondingly.

Just too tired to do anything write now and too bored to sleep off..

So far from home

Some random lines written during consti class

Here I am, On the road
Once again, Far from home
Far from you..
And thos beautiful eyes

The road goes on, I drive along
No aim in mind, just moving on

Your thoughts come, I close my eyes
Happy moments..come fleeting by
Heaping up..become stack and heaves
Like my own treasure trove

Those moments pass, I look ahead
But the breeze picks up,.....And
I sense your smell
You seem to be...here and there
You seem to be..just everywhere

Love you high, just can't deny
Miss you so, Miss that touch

But I am, On the road
Just so far....
So far from home

Wakeup Call

Its so strange when things happen seamlessly without any effort that you never give a thought to the results and the process behind it..and when things go awry, no matter what the effort, luck seems to have deserted you, you remember just how bad things can be...

A jolt today, especially looking at the ratio of the effort I put in and the marks I will probably get...

Guess this is a wakeup call to work more..

Options

The going gets tougher
The road is dark
Choices are few and mine to make

I want a hand to be with me
to reassure me that all will be fine
Search for it everywhere

The hands have long gone
leaving me for my own
To make me strong

I dunno what has happened
Strength has come and gone
Just like the fleeting glimpse of hope

It feels funny
That feelings have gone
Leaving me empty

Both within and outside
Yet options are mine to make
But the decisions have been taken
Without me....

Are the options still mine?

Me first...what next?

Sometimes it is hard to understand, to understand the myriad of thoughts; thoughts mostly depressing and confusing. And perhaps all the more harder when these thoughts are your own..when you do not know whether to follow your heart or your brain, when things come too close to ignore.

But then these thoughts never leave me alone and I guess my new found belief in myself is due to these thoughts of mine..trying to ignore a few thoughts and leaving a few other thoughts for the future. Perhaps, I am prioritising selfishly for the first time in my life; perhaps.....

But then, it feels different to be "me first" for a while in my thoughts and actions. Lets see where this leads..

Silence

Sometimes it is just right
to let go
To be tired and silent

For silence is a virtue
few possess and fewer exercise
When damage is done,
Not by actions
But by words you say.

Maybe patience is a term
that just gels with silence
Leading you away from the spiral
That goes downwards with words

Its hard to wait
To have to bear your words
Destroying everything that you held true
Not a single fabric left right

Yet, there is no way out
No contemplation; no options
Just the wait and the hope filled with silence.

Beatles

I must say I was introduced to The Beatles pretty late...but just cant seem to get them out of my mind right now....

Everything seems to connect..all the notes register..never felt so good listening to music...
All you need is love, love is all you need...

Which way?

Somehow, these days I have been thinking about this idea of reigning in one;s emotions as one matures, (grows older) and being able to face the world with a different outlook than that of your teens.

I really dont know what got me into this but perhaps it has got to do with me leaving my teen years behind. Maybe yes, maybe no, i really do not know. But thats not the point right now.

I remember my childhood where tantrums were the order of the day and all mistakes were pinned to my elder brother who always got the wrong end, just due to him being older to me. Though these tantrums were lost later on, I believe I still carried that idea that emotions were there for a reason and there was nothing wrong in showing these emotions, in talking to people and in trying to gain different perspectives on a problem, in trying to get help.

Now, I am not so sure. somehow suddenly things are looking different. Is it really okay to open up your innermost feelings to other people? To subject them to probe and interpretations? Or is it better to think, reflect and then set upon a course individually; learning from mistakes along the way and perhaps recognising one's own potentials and pitfalls?

Somehow I am beginning to think that the second course is better and perhaps helps one feel much stronger and confident. but then keeping all those feelings pent up, with only one's mind for relection and criticism does feel kind of scary.

Certainly making me think right now....

A loss

A loss, so bereft of desire
To claim again
What thy held rightfully yours

A loss, that cut you into half
Yet, no pain nor tears
No gushing flow of words

A loss, that gave no time
Not a single moment, to contemplate
Just a single blow
So quick and precise
And what a time; Yet no laments
On your loss.

Dhaka Continuation

Writing again after a long gap...

I must say the gap was a productive one, saw a lot of places , enjoyed a lot, had different experiences and most of all made good use of my time.

After I reached Dhaka, the first thing that struck me was the number of high rise buildings. Comparing the fact that both Bangladesh and Nepal are rougly similiar in size, I expected Dhaka to have pretty much the same kind of buildings as in Kathmandu. I must say I was positively surprised that Dhaka had its share of skyscrapers.

My stay in Dhaka was in Motijheel; which was one of the commercial hubs of the capital. True to its commercial name, Motijheel had an abundance in banks, perhaps even an overabundance one might say. All of this gave me the sort of impression that perhaps we Nepalis are still far behind our neighbours.

Another beautiful aspect of Dhaka was its roads; every circle had a beautiful structure that was very different from one another and certainly much better than the plain statues that are commonly seen in Nepali and Indian cities. Each structure was novel and seemed to depict something or the other.

Like Delhi University, Dhaka University and its grounds also seemed to be a world in itself..quiet grounds, students around a few couples here and there and in fact much free than the rest of Dhaka. It seemed as if the Universityy and its surrounding areas were a different entity from the rest of Dhaka.

To talk about Dhaka without describing its religious places would be incomplete. although I did not go into the mosques, the opulence and brilliance of these beautiful structures could be well seen from the outside.The National Mosque and lots of other mosques along the way were beautiful.

Also beautiful was the Dhakeswori Mandir and much bigger than I imagined it to be. It was a peaceful place and really felt nice to have some calm in the middle of 'busy' Dhaka.

In Dhaka, I also went to the High Court in keeping with my vocation of a law student but for an entirely different reason..its architecture which was so beautiful. Just opposite Curzon Hall, the architechture of the High Court was good enough to rival even Curzon hall.

Dhaka also brings into mind its rickshaws which are almost a lifeline for the denizens and especially for tourists who are either scared to go on the buses or want to have a better view of Dhaka. My Dhaka trip atleast taught me a few bargaining lines in Bengali and gave me the luxury of looking at the Dhaka skyline and roads so that they could be etched onto my memories.

Dhaka was really fun..Lots of it still left to cover and also to talk about the rest of my Bangladesh trip..but I guess all of that will have to wait cause it is already time for the electricity to depart.

What a homecoming for me in Kathmandu..16 hours of load shedding per day!!

Dhaka

Finally in Dhaka....

Riding from the Korunamoyee bus terminal in Calcutta yesterday, I was still not sure of reaching Dhaka. I dont know why but there was a fear in my mind of what was about to happen, I was a tad nervous as well.

As the bus lumbered along, slowly making its way out of Calcutta, I started to realise that I was perhaps actually getting to Dhaka and was filled with anticipation and joy. Once the bus stopped for breakfast and reached the Indian customs and immigration post at around 10. It was a 84 km ride from Calcutta.

As I left the bus to go complete the immigration procedures, I was swarmped by a horde of agents all offering to change Indian currency for Bangladeshi takas or offering to speed up my path through immigration. I declined and made it to the long line at the counter.

As I had dreaded, my Nepali passport brought with it a more stringent checking and asking o questions as to why I was going to Bangladesh, what was my profession and where I studied and all of that. Thankfully , it all got over soon and it was time for me to clear my baggage through customs.

I was apprehensive because I had around 20 US dollars that I had bought from a money changer and I did not want it to be caught without any proper recipt on my part. So reluctanlty I paid a guy hundred takas to get me through customs. However again upon seeing my Nepali passport, the customs people asked me to open my bags and checked one of them. Thankfully, the bag in which I had the dollars were not checked.

So glad that half the process was over, I went back to the bus which crossed over to the Bangladeshi side. Here, it was customs first and immigration later.And to my dismay, there seemed to be no agents to see me through customs for a price. so with a bit of fear in my mind, I went for the checking.

At first, there seemed to be no cause for my worry.There was a cursory check through my baggage and I was relieved. However the relief was really short lived. Another man, this time a military guy started going through my baggage. And he opened the baggage where I had the dollars. o be specific he took out the book where I had kept the dollars; Avtar Singh's "Indian Contract Act 1872".

As I watched with dread and fear, somehow he managed to not find my dollars despite being right there. As he gave my baggage back, I mut have given him a really big thank you because he looked back at me and smiled warmly too. I was so so relieved. After that the Bangladeshi immigration part was not so difficult and finally I was sure that I was going to Dhaka after all.

After that journey had some other good moments as well. I had proper rice and dal after about a week and the food felt so really good. Then the bus was transported along the Buri ganga river on a ferry. It was my first experience on a ferry, in fact on a boat so it felt really great. especially with the sun setting in the background and the breeze in my face, it all felt too good to be true.

Finally I arrived in Dhaka at around 7 30 in the evening. Looking around I realised that I had travelled on a train, bus and a ferry to reach here and finally I had arrived. It took a while for the feeling to sink in, and when it did, it was such a happy and joyous feeling.

Now looking forward to the next few days in Dhaka and possibly elsewhere too...

Travelling On...

Travelling alone and enjoying along the way...that has been one of my dreams from early on and right now my holidays asre promising to be just the same...

Travelling alone from Bangalore to Calcutta on a train was much easier than I had thought. Fortunately, my bogie was full of young students returning home for the holidas and I did not get the time to be bored. And when they turned quiet, i still had the time to finish the 3rd book in the aragon series " Brisingr".

Coming into Calcutta on the 20th in Howrah station I looked at the Howrah Bridge which I had seen and admired many times before in movies but never had the chance to be this close.It felt grand and awe inspiring and just like the perfect entry point into Calcutta.

Now into the 3rd day of my Calcutta stay and to be frank I have not seen as much as I would have wanted to, partly due to making arrangements to go to Dhaka and partly out of lethargy. Also just cant seem to find any of my Calcutta classmates from law school. However still got the time to look at NUJS and meet people from law school who had come there for the debate. A lot similiar like our own law school with even a corp bank right next to them, the grounds were a lot smaller and the buildings much higher...Not bad really..

Anyway, my journey is yet far from over. Waiting to get to Dhaka next...

Lets see what happens then

Holidays

All the patience that one builds up seems to desert one as the goal comes nearer, desperation iand anticipation are never more visible than when you are not so far from your destination but still have some time to go, in this case the holidays...the usual counting back the days makes way for the frenzied counting of the hours with the exams being almost non existent from the mind and all that remains is the anticipation of going home; to Delhi, Chennai, Varanasi or in my case to Kathmandu..

No matter which boarding school and hostel, the anticipation at going home is always there..you cant just wait to reach there. But more often than not after some days you tend to miss those familiar hostel people, those friendly faces you say hi to, those random people who come to your room at all times of the day and the ease to find a conversation on any topic anytime you want.

I know what lies in store for me this holiday...an experience with myself to test my own limits and confidence in my abilities. I want to travel during these holidays and finally the plans are quite falling into shape like the final pieces of a puzzle... and even if things go awry and stray, I am sure there will always be something new, some new experiences to see and learn and some new stories to write about..

Ahh hope everything turns out just the way it is supposed to be...

Change??

" What If you could go back and change something in your life? Would you do it?" I asked Sahil, my roommate at 1 30 in the morning. As usual my plan to sleep early had failed and all I could do was get these different thoughts in my head to pass my precious time. Well, different opinions always help and hence the question to Sahil.

"Not really, but yeah maybe a thing or two, something here and there, " was what he replied. I must say I was not surprised with his response but dismayed at his thought not being of much help to me. I was perhaps hoping he would say that he wanted to change a lot of things and then I could engage him in further conversation on this topic. But his reply left me no such option and I let him study in peace.

Perhaps, my response would be, " Yes, I would like to change a lot of things." And why not? Would it not be great if I could change those small things which made such a difference later on, if I could rectify those mistakes and turn out to be a better me in a better place with better things and thoughts.

Well, it seems great to fantasize about this, but again I wonder if this feeling is a quest for perfectness that cannot be obtained? Is this feeling of change not subject to mood swings and situations? The things that I would like to change based on today could well be the reason to smile tomorrow. Or the things that I change could lead to other unexpected things, things that I might not really be comfortable with.

I really dont know and still dont have the answer. But I feel that situations no matter how hard or tough, have in them scope for hope and the circumstances that could be used to change these situations and turn them around.

So, would I still want to change things of the past? Perhaps yes, but I must say I am more than content with what I have at the present and believe I have hope too of being able to cope and produce things that are better.

Hoping for a wonderful year ahead!!!